During a phone call with my mom one day, she told me that she was having an all-in-all good day, except for the fact that she had spent it reading a book instead of doing the things she had to do. “Maybe I should call one of my students and ask for advice,” she said and laughed. “They all come to me for help, thinking I have it all figured out.”
I found it comforting that my mom, who is the best psychologist I know and has done more with her life than I could hope for, also struggles with procrastination at times. None of us are alone in this, and maybe having lazy days is not the biggest catastrophe. After all, it’s totally understandable when our pleasure-seeking brains want to put off unpleasant tasks. But why do we struggle to go after the very goals and dreams we set for ourselves?
I have been asking myself that question a lot lately regarding my thesis novel. I started it with so much joy, which dwindled over time and turned into a pattern of procrastination. I couldn’t understand why until I discovered a Tedx talk (yup, I was procrastinating) in which a psychologist named Nic Voge talks about the Self-Worth Theory. I was touched by his compassionate explanation of the causes of procrastination, which helped me realize that we are often wrong in accusing ourselves of being “too lazy” or “too unmotivated.”
According to this theory, our greatest need as humans is to be seen as capable and competent by ourselves and others. Therefore, the potential for failure carries a lot more significance than a bad grade or a poor job performance; it threatens our perceived worth. Voge explains that procrastination is the clash of our desire to achieve something and the countering fear of failing at it, which leaves us stuck in the middle. He says that perfectionists, who are ironically most prone to procrastination, generally have the following formula in their subconscious:
Performance = Ability = Worth
When I read this, I couldn’t believe how perfectly it summarized me. I have this deeply rooted fear that if I don’t write my novel well (Performance), my supervisor and all future readers will think I’m a terrible writer (Ability), and hence I won’t be a valuable person (Worth). I was surprised that even successful writers such as J.K. Rowling and Markus Zusak have struggled with similar fears that resulted in procrastination and an inability to write.
But you don’t need to be a psychologist or a genius to see that something is wrong with this formula. The obvious truth is that we very often perform less than our abilities, so the first part of the equation is easily refutable. More importantly, what we can do and how well we can do it absolutely do not determine our worth. Think about the people you love and value; is it in any way because of their GPA or work accomplishments? Probably not. So a more accurate formula is:
Performance ≠ Ability ≠ Worth
Ever since I became aware of how deeply this formula is ingrained in my brain—and how inaccurate it is—half the battle was won. Simply noticing the thought patterns that occur every time I’m reluctant to write has given me the power to change them. It is a gradual journey, but already the burdening feeling associated with my novel, stemming from my fear of messing it up, has withered away, and for weeks now I have felt joy and lightness towards writing it!
The most helpful tip that Voge offered me was to minimize the stakes for ourselves. He himself was nervous about giving the Tedx talk until he changed his perspective on it. Instead of seeing it as a test of his value and being terrified of what people would think of him if he messed it up, he started seeing it as a fun experiment. More importantly, he shifted his focus off of himself and onto all the people whose suffering he could help reduce through his talk. What are some ways in which you can reduce your fear of failure?
I personally tend to make things so much scarier for myself by setting impossible standards. I compare my writing to the best books I’ve read and think, “Why should I even write if I can never be as good?” By doing that, I’m increasing my fear of failure and crippling myself even more. Instead, every time I get tangled up in my web of insecurities and go crying to God in desperation, He reminds me that I am not writing to earn my worth or even to impress others. I am writing what the One who gave me my talent inspires me to write, leaving the results to Him. It is a daily adventure we get to go on together. It also helps to remember that even the books that have impacted me the most have flaws, and the people whose opinions I am so afraid of are as close to being perfect as I am.
I also tend to procrastinate when something feels intimidating in magnitude. Writing a novel isn’t something I can finish in a few days; it’s an ongoing process, and unless I learn to take it one step at a time, it’s going to feel like a journey too long and too scary to start. Breaking things into smaller tasks is great advice. Sometimes, however, even that doesn’t help because our eyes are still fixed on the huge mountain ahead. The key is to quite literally forget about the rest of the mountain and focus on the step you’re taking that day. Pretend it’s the only thing you ever have to do, and then when you’re done, put it aside for the day and rest. Before you know it, you’ll be standing on top of your mountain, waving at me on top of mine, because trust me… if there’s hope for me, there’s certainly hope for you!
I love it:))) Such a wise and thought-provoking blog post! It was really helpful for me too.
Wow, I am sooo happy you found it helpful too!! <3
This is SO, SO good, Christina! Your language continues to impress me. (Even though English is not my mother tounge, I believe I have the ability to recognize good from poor language) I love reading your blogs. This one I think a lot of people can relate to, including me. Thanks for sharing your insight.
Your words meant so much to me, dear Kirsten <3 Thank you!!
Very glad to read you blog, Christina.. better late than never.. Thank you for your input.
Yes, very true… we all procrastinate at times.. but I do not feel guilty about it..I call it recharging my batteries.. It is good for the soul to just sit and look at the clouds on a beautiful sunny day, or watch the waves lapping onto the beach, watch the rain or the snow and to think.. that is not procrastination. I find we do not stop and think at times.. Our world is go go go.. Who says we have to DO something every second of the day..
Also, reading is NOT a waste of time..while reading one is transported into another world..and I think that is not a waste of time..While we read we learn.
Thanks again..That is all for now Christina. Awaiting your next blog, be well and take care..
Thank you so much for reading, Sonia! You always have great insights, and I totally agree about how we need rest to recharge our batteries :)))
I should remind myself this
“what we can do and how well we can do it absolutely do not determine our worth”.
Sadly in business, work environment I have tendency to forget it and constantly feel unhappy and unsatisfied with me..
Thank you for sharing this Christina. We are much stronger when we don’t feed our fears.
Love you,
Marian