This Anxious, People-Pleasing Perfectionist’s Guide to Surviving at Work

Over a year ago, I did something I never imagined I could do: I became an online English teacher to kids in China. To a regular person, there might be nothing daunting about that. But to an anxious, people-pleasing perfectionist like me, it was cause for many sleepless nights, splitting headaches, and even several occasions of almost throwing up before class. 

I have grown a lot since then but the prospect of a new job, which I have to pursue due to circumstances, still scares me. I decided to write some of the things that have helped me “survive,” both as a reminder to myself, but also as a loving letter to you if you have ever felt afraid of failing or disappointing those you work for.

So many of my fears were stemming from a fear of rejection; a fear that the students wouldn’t like me, that the parents would think they had wasted their money on me, that I wouldn’t manage to be the funnest and most effective teacher I could be. The list can go on, but the root of all those fears was the same. I was (still am, sadly) afraid that people who have entrusted me with something will be left disappointed.

The truth is that I am not perfect, I will mess up at times and not do my best, but I need to have the humility to forgive myself. Not being able to make peace with the fact that I made a mistake is like thinking I am better than everyone else in this world. But that’s just ridiculous. If others deserve forgiveness, so do I. Self-forgiveness doesn’t come easily to someone like me but usually all it takes is a conscious decision to forgive myself and refuse to think about it anymore.

Interestingly, I have also found that nobody is as hard on me as I am. But even if they were, I cannot live in fear of people’s opinions. I am learning more and more to be okay with the idea of someone not liking me or being impressed with my work. After all, it’s not my job or place to control what others think. When I was afraid of losing my regular students, it suddenly dawned on me that they are not mine to lose or keep. They are individuals with a right to have opinions, to stay or go, to choose me or another teacher. My job is simply to do my best, and I always find that I do better when I’m not afraid of failing.

When something new scares me, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Oftentimes, it’s a sign that I am stepping outside of my comfort zone and giving myself a chance to grow. Doing everything in my power to prepare for the job at hand takes unnecessary anxiety away. What my experience at the English-teaching company showed me is that with time, I can get used to almost anything. There is comfort in knowing that even when something is scary at first, it will grow familiar with time. An advice my mom often gave me was to just do the next thing; to not think about the whole mountain but to take it one step at a time.

I love this one story that author Anne Lamott shares in her book Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life. It’s about her brother who had left his school report on birds to the last day. He was sitting at the kitchen table “close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books about birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead,” when their father sat next to him and said, “Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.” Sometimes when I’m feeling overwhelmed by anxious thoughts, it helps to just think about the next “bird,” the next class, the next deadline, and simply become forgetful of the rest for the time being.

One time, as I was approaching the classes I had to teach that day and nearly growing faint from the anxiety, my now-husband Daniel wrote to me, “But God is with you!” It’s strange how even the most worn-out phrases can completely change our lives when spoken at the right moment. It seemed so obvious and yet I’d completely forgotten that I had my Creator by my side. I suddenly knew that I could go forward in confidence because if I messed up during a class or ran into a problem I couldn’t fix, He’d be right there to help me. And I can’t tell you how many times that has happened. When I’m afraid of stepping forward into a new place, I don’t need to be afraid because He will be with me every step of the way.

And it’s because of Him that I don’t need to tie my worth to my work. His love for me doesn’t change based on my performance or even my behavior. The Father in the Parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32) loved both sons unconditionally – both the perfectionist and the failure. There was quite literally nothing they could do to lose that love. That is where my identity comes from, not from what my employers think, not even from how well I do my job. “Living unloved is like clipping a bird’s wing and removing its ability to fly” (from The Shack), but when I realize how unconditionally God loves me, the absolute best of me comes out and suddenly I can fly.