My Best Advice and Encouragement to First-Time Parents (Like Me)

Two months ago, I wrote about my experience of entering my mama era. Now, as a very seasoned mom of a six-month-old, I return with my best advice and encouragement to other first-time parents, as I once was, a long time ago.

Truthfully, I think no matter how much you prepare, you can never be fully prepared. You still need to have a lot of grace with yourself as you adjust to this whole new way of life and get to know your unique baby. However, I do believe that there are some things you can do to make the transition just a little smoother.

Of course, I can’t cover every single thing I’ve learned and I’m sure your pediatrician/midwife and the internet have you covered on the most important things. But I would like to “cushion” that advice with all that we were grateful we did or wish we had done.

Before the Little One Comes…

Prepare Freezer Meals: During the months leading up to the birth, we made an extra batch of whatever we were cooking and threw it in the freezer. When we had our baby, it was such a relief not to have to worry about cooking (not that there was time to worry… hehe).

Clear Your Plate: Whatever major commitments you can take a break from and big projects you can complete, do them to the best of your abilities. There were two major projects I wanted to clear off my plate so I could fully focus on motherhood. I wanted to get my driver’s license (which I did, yay!) and send the final draft of my novel to my agent (yes, I have a literary agent now, yay yay!). I can’t describe how freeing it was to not have anything hovering over my head and fully be present with my baby, without rushing anywhere or feeling frustrated when she needed all my time. As much as it is up to you, let parenting be your biggest and only priority–at least for this season.

Declutter Your Home: Those who know me well will laugh, because of how much I talk about decluttering. But the truth is, the less stuff you have, the less time and effort it takes to take care of your home: less furniture to move around when vacuuming, less items to dust, less dishes to pile up around the sink, less clothes to choose between. The list goes on. And if there’s anything you need more of in the whirlwind of parenthood, it’s more time and simplicity.

Once the Little One is Here…

Breastfeeding: This was initially the most challenging part for me. It takes practice for both the mama and the baby to get the hang of it, and because of the frequency of the feedings, you can feel nailed to the sofa all day. I was so close to giving up when my midwife encouraged me to try just a little longer, because I would be so grateful later on. Not only would it be so beneficial for the baby, but it would be easier than dealing with bottles. I couldn’t imagine how breastfeeding could be the easier option, but after getting the hang of it, I really do.

There are a thousand reasons why breastfeeding might not work out for you, so please remember that the most important thing for the baby is to be loved and nourished, whether that’s through breastfeeding, pumping, or formula. However, if you are able to and really want to make it work, remember that if it hurts, it means the baby isn’t latching on right. Even though I was lucky enough to get help from the midwives at the hospital, this video covers literally everything I was taught that helped me. (Oh, and by the way, nipple shields are a thing. Just saying.)

Sleep: I don’t mean for the baby, although wouldn’t that be nice? I mean for the parents. I personally am not a nice person when I’m sleep deprived. So for the sake of my baby, my husband, and anyone that crossed my path, I had to find ways to get enough sleep (granted my definition of “enough” has changed somewhat).

If you have a partner or someone else who can bottle feed even just once a day, you’d be surprised what a difference those few hours of uninterrupted sleep can make. More than an entire night of restless sleep. At nights, I would sometimes wear earplugs, because babies are NOISY sleepers. I would jump up each time Sanahin stirred or made a sound in her sleep. However, wearing earplugs meant I could sleep a little better between her feeds, resting assured that I would certainly hear her if she cried.

For the first two or three months, Sanahin would fall asleep in our arms but wake up as soon as we put her down. I wrestled so much with this until I gave in and just let her nap safely on my chest. I can’t describe how much I started to enjoy those snuggles once I realized that the chores and projects can wait. It’s only with the first baby that you have enough time to lie around, so do it without guilt (and get some precious sleep in the meantime). However, when you really need to get things done, a baby carrier can do wonders!

Speaking of Getting Things Done: Always try to be one step ahead. Why not pack the diaper bag as soon as you come home so it’s ready for the next outing? Why not prepare the baby’s pajamas when you’re passing by the dresser, so you don’t have to scramble for it after their bath? No gesture you can do for your future self is too small. Before you know it, that moment will arrive and you will wish you had done it. The most unexpected benefit of becoming a mom is how much more productive I am. I can’t even believe that procrastination used to be an issue…

Wake Windows and Sleepy Cues: Wake windows are the approximate lengths of time that babies manage to stay awake between naps. This continues to increase as they get older, so reading such a chart might help you keep an eye out for when they might be getting tired. Then as soon as you notice sleepy cues, you can start putting them to bed to avoid the I’m—too-overtired—to—sleep—so—I’m—just—going—to—scream—for—an—hour phase. Here’s a helpful video on cues not just for sleepiness but hunger, boredom, and discomfort.

Outings: Once you feel ready to encounter the outside world again, it might be scary to leave the familiarity of home. You might wonder if it’s worth packing half the house for such a short outing. However, a change of scenery and meeting other people can be good for you. Also, as my mom once told me, that’s how you create memories. When you look back at the photos, you’re not going to remember all the stress but feel happy to share those stories with your little one.

Going out with a baby is like a skill. The more you do it, the less stressful it becomes and you find hacks to make it go smoother. For instance, in those first few months, as soon as Sanahin woke up, I would breastfeed her, while Daniel packed her diaper bag and placed the stroller into the car. That gave us the longest possible stretch before her next feed and nap time. Of course, I’m all for cozy days at home, but sometimes you need to go out to remember how cozy your home is.

Community: Never have I felt the need for a close-knit community more than after having my baby. Even so, it used to be difficult for me to trust Sanahin to others. I couldn’t relax when someone else was holding her, or when she was a bit older, babysitting her. I would think, “No one knows her like I do. What if she cries and they can’t comfort her? What if she feels abandoned when I’m not there?” These thoughts are completely normal, especially for new moms, and they do calm down with time and experience. However, it is also a practiced skill.

My mom gave me the advice that helped me out of this: “Even though you and Daniel are the most important people in her life, you don’t want to be her whole world. You want her to form other secure attachments and for other people to get the chance to know her and love her.” That really shifted my perspective from “I’m abandoning her” to “I’m allowing her world to expand.” People bond in a special way when the baby is placed in their care, and even though it might feel uncomfortable for you in the beginning, it is to the benefit of literally everyone involved.

The most important advice is to trust in your intuition as a parent. There is soooo much advice out there (including the ones I’ve offered) and if you try to follow them all, you will be doing several opposite things simultaneously. Take the ones that lighten your burdens as opposed to adding to them. In time you will recognize what each of your baby’s cries means, figure out what works for you guys, and find the confidence to follow your gut.

Just be encouraged that you will absolutely get the hang of this. Your heart will expand with love even amidst the struggles and the joy your little one brings will remind you of why you’re doing this. The baby’s sleep and eating will get regulated. Their gassy period will pass and you will sleep again. They will even learn to keep both socks on (we aren’t there yet but keeping the faith). What feels like an eternity will be over in what feels like days. And one day, out of nowhere, your baby will cup your cheeks with their little hands and say “mama,” and you will wonder how on earth they grew up so much.

If you enjoyed this, you might also be interested in reading In My Mama Era.